A Simple Shift to Save Your Marriage or Relationship(s)!
|I have heard so many people say, “I give so much to my husband!” or “I give, and I give to my wife! Now I am ready to GET.”
What often happens is that we give from a place of depletion. This kind of approach is based on fear and survival, not true giving.
We turn into martyrs not because we are giving spirits but because we want to:
It is really hard to see this when you are in the middle of it!
In all three situations, the motivation is not to be nice, but to do so for our own benefit. That is constriction and fear-based living.
Let’s look at that first point: manipulating the situation. Too often people make a choice that they don’t want to, so that they can:
a. Make someone else happy.
b. Prevent someone from getting mad at them.
What we forget is that WE CANNOT MAKE SOMEONE UNHAPPY. We can mess up and give people an opportunity to be unhappy, but ultimately, it is their decision.
Simply saying, “No”, can curb so many resentments. All you have to say is, “I am not available. I will let you know if that changes.”
2. Looking good. The martyr looks selfless, but is making sure that others see how much he or she is doing. What’s more he/she often keeps score—who isn’t helping when they should be.
When we do something in order to get brownie points for it, the motive is tainted with selfishness. It leaves little space for any good or positive feelings.
3.“Giving” in order to get something is a business arrangement. It involves scorekeeping and using one’s good deeds as leverage, or as a weapon, to GET.
In all of these cases, you can see how there isn’t really a giving quality, but a taking or getting quality that motivates.
Go back to the last time you felt you were giving too much. Look back at that time from a different perspective. Reflect on your motivations, were you giving because you wanted to? Or, because you wanted to look good, get something in return or manipulate a situation in your favor? No judgment! Simply see and breath and know that in the future you have a choice—truly giving or score keeping!