Allowing Discomfort

This past week, I had some business to attend to in Seattle. It was my first visit back to the place I once called home since I had moved away in September.

I must admit, I was a bit nervous about the visit.  I have lived in many places as an adult. However, Seattle has a very special place in my heart as I had grown deep roots there.

When I was about to return as a visitor, the instinctual part of me that is concerned with shelter and safety got activated.

In Western science, we associate this feeling with the concept called the reptilian brain.  According to yogic science, it is the first chakra that is connected with these feelings.

Whatever your beliefs may be, any time we mess with home, food, and community, we also get an opportunity to breathe and see what is going on inside.

I realized I was experiencing a low-grade sadness.  When I envisioned myself in my old haunts as a visitor and not a resident, driving around my old neighborhood in an unfamiliar car, I felt awkward.

I also had the added uncertainty of how many loving friends would I be able to visit in the short time I had.

It was a strange feeling, on one hand there was the nostalgia that made me want to recreate my old experiences, on the other, I had the bittersweet realization that I have moved on and this was no longer ‘home’.

So, here is what I did:  I stopped fretting and set my mind to be open to a new experience with Seattle.

What that allowed was for me to actually have the feelings, without trying to repress them. I gave the situation breathing room rather than exacerbating any discomfort.  

I was interested in my feelings, instead of judging them.  The quiet observation, “That’s interesting…” is far gentler than, “What’s your problem?  Why on Earth would you be feeling strange about going someplace familiar?”

The experience made me realize that we make negativity more powerful by viewing it negatively. In short; we get emotional about being emotional!

Everyday I come across people who are stressed about being stressed, or, even uncomfortable about dealing with an uncomfortable situation at home or at work. This makes no sense, but we do it all the time and make so much more misery than the original discomfort.

Your Assignment:

Can you make an agreement with yourself to simply feel an uncomfortable feeling all the way through until it is finished?  What about refraining from judgment?  If you notice the experience in your mind and body it is easier to allow it to pass.

Love Celebrity Style

We are very poorly trained in this culture in the ways of relating. The celebrity world is an even more cuckoo romantic playing field.
I remember when I heard that Katy Perry and Russell Brand got married in a grand style in India. I thought, wow, how exotic, what great press, and I hope that they make it.
I felt a bit encouraged since I saw press about Russell being a daily meditation practitioner, too.
Any meditation practitioner will tell you that daily practice does not exempt one from our foibles. In fact, it sometimes seem to exacerbate them!
As one spiritual teacher told me years ago, “You will never rise above human and you will have moments that are unspiritual. I know that is annoying, but meditation does not absolve you from humanity.”
I was annoyed, but also took this as a challenge to dive deeper into my foibles or my shadow and learn how to work with it.
This is not a common approach. Even less so in Hollywood. I am sorry that I didn’t get to speak with Katy and Russell before their divorce proceedings. If I had a chance to sit down with them while they were still together, here are a few things that I would say, not from a sanctimonious position, but out of service. I am so grateful that these revolutionary ideas were imparted to me:
1. It is called commitment, not convenience.
2. Know why you are getting married.
3. It takes work, mostly when you least want to work on it.
4. It is not about you. It is about the third entity; the relationship.
These are very simplistic guidelines that need further explanation. However, these have become catch phrases that I use to remind my clients and myself.

Your Assignment: Is there a way that you can be an even more divine example of commitment and humility? What sort of support do you get in that department? Are you willing to go against the common message that relationships are a commodity that is disposable?
It takes courage! I’m rooting for you!

Fake Giving vs. True Giving

Too often we are acting under the guise of giving of ourselves when really, it is a tool of distraction. We “give” to others in order to control them or the situation.

When we “give” from an empty tank, we are acting in a way that distracts us from experiencing life as it is in the moment. Perhaps we are denying a feeling or a circumstance. Whatever it is, it is inauthentic and really painful for all involved.

Other reasons for giving are: to manipulate others into thinking of us a certain way or to get people to give us something that we think we need and aren’t able to ask for it outright or, even sadder, don’t believe that we merit it.
Too often we contort ourselves and manipulate others in order to get attention and affection. When we are “giving” from that place, it is a business agreement, not love. We are bargaining for position or security. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LOVE.

One major aspect of love is that you can give it without expectation or seeking reward. When was the last time that you saw an example of that? When was the last time that you gave in that way?

YOUR ASSIGNMENT:
Go to someone with the intention of just loving them up NO MATTER WHAT. Give them so much love that you can’t even believe that much exists in you! Let it flow with no concern about whether or not they receive it, what your benefits will be, or any other expectation of outcome. You are a master and can give love freely and without harming yourself.

EXTRA CREDIT: Try this with someone who really challenges you! And as always, let me know how it goes.

Are you sure?

So many of our upsets or frustrations, perhaps even all, could be avoided, if we had a wider perception of what was really going on.

Or even what is possibly going on.

Moving beyond communication, which is limited by our humanity and training, we can open up to the idea that we are always being protected and cared for we shift from victim into victor.

I love the quote by Thich Nhat Hahn, “Are you sure? Misperceptions lead to disharmony and suffering.” In other words, “what else could be going on here?”

What this means is that when someone cuts me off in traffic, it could be a divine hand making me slow down to avoid a future problem.

When someone rejects me in some way, I am protected, either from them or causing them future harm!

All annoyances could be in place, not to vex me but to provide me with what I need in this time and space to stretch me into who I am to become.

This new shift in perspective lets us all off the hook of resentment or regret and shifts our minds from an antagonistic view (“I’m getting screwed!) to altruistic (“that’s interesting!”).

Your Assignment:
Reflecting on your year or day, is there a hurt that you can raise up to a new uplifted status? Instead of making someone wrong or bad, can you see them as a guardian angel of some sort? We are all in this together, after all.

The Problem with “Boundaries”

The term “boundaries” is quite problematic. Language is very powerful and creates our reality.

First of all, when we use the term “boundaries,” it puts us in the position of victim and the other person as a villain.

Second, it implies that we need to have a barrier against others. This impedes the human need for connection and intimacy.

If we are constantly on the defense, we are expecting others to do us wrong, which solidifies an atmosphere of antagonistic relationships, which have become status quo.

A more uplifting approach is to take care of oneself. What that means is that people know well ahead of any mishap what your expectations or needs are. When we act in a way that is full of integrity from the onset, we set others up to win because they have all of the necessary information.

How that can appear is something like this:

“I would love to pick you up on the way. However, I need you to be on time, otherwise, I will have to leave without you.”

This simple statement, gives yourself the opportunity to serve, but on clear terms. The person can check in with himself and determine whether or not they can agree to the terms.

You may ask, “But what if they agree to the terms in word but not in deed? They agreed but were still late.”

If they are late, you get to make good on your agreement and leave. There are no surprises.

This very simple principle can be applied to all sorts of situations, even ones with higher stakes like close friends and family. Those who love you will appreciate having more information and an easier time of knowing where you stand.

Your Assignment: Is there someone in your inner circle who abuses one of your unwritten “rules” but doesn’t know it? If you are harboring some resentment, can you lovingly tell them, “I don’t think that you know this about me but, I need…” and then release your expectations of them, knowing that they will do the best they can in this time and space. Can you allow them to do what they need to do but also take care of yourself in the process?

How you make conflict worse

All too often, when we are in conflict, we do exactly the opposite to what is helpful. Driven by habits, ego, or simply bad training, we exacerbate the situation rather than finding a way to connect even deeper and transcend the present obstacle together.

The urge to defend or create a reality that seems harmonious can damage the potential for either.

When we try to defend our case, we are invalidating the experience that the “other” is having. By insisting that they hear our logical explanation, we have mowed over their gut experience, which often has little to do with logic.

When we try to prematurely force harmony, we create an atmosphere of constriction. In this environment, it is nearly impossible to forge harmony: in order for it to manifest, there must be breathing room.

When we can step back and take a breath, we create a space of allowing what is rather than seeking leverage to get one’s way.

In the breathing room, all sorts of miracles can happen, including bridge building like never before. We can turn enemies into allies. We can create stronger and deeper intimacy in our friendships, families, and romantic relationships.

We can surprise ourselves and others with graciousness and poise and fuel the fires of peace and understanding.
A small sacrifice of ego can yield rewards beyond measure.

Your Assignment: When you find yourself in conflict, can you take a breath and approach it from a place of wonder. You may say, “You might be right!” and offer a treaty in which everyone wins.

You Can Create World Peace

We all want to be a positive influence on the world around us. It is scientifically proven that we can do that, even if others resist our efforts!

We are very fortunate to be equipped with mirror neurons, which are involuntarily activated to mirror what is happening around us.

It is scientifically proven that if someone smiles at you, your mirror neurons are fired and your mind cannot tell if it is you or someone else smiling.

Anytime someone smiles at you and you accept their smile, it is hard not to smile. However, the will is very strong and can insist on not smiling back. It is in our very human biology to return the smile.

Mirror neurons are responsible for the infectious effect of yawns, positivity, and negativity. In short, we are all one.
While resisting the neurological impulse to smile is possible, it is a much less joyful way to live. You can know that when your smile is not returned, on some level, you are still altering someone’s day in the positive.

When you’re smiling, the whole world smiles with you.
~Louis Armstrong

Your Assignment: When your smile is not returned, smile with even more love in your heart. Try smiling next time you walk down a street busy with hurried people. It is easier to smile without needing a response when we know that we are effecting change, whether others know it or not!

What to Do When You Are Ready to Pull Your Hair Out?

I must have some kind of karma with AT&T because it seems that I cannot for the life of me, no matter how many times I call and speak to those very nice customer service representatives, I still am being charged for things that are not on my agreement (and getting my long distance shut down in the process—TWICE!).

My monkey mind screams, “This is not RIGHT!” “Unjust!” “I am going to take my service and go home!”
My tendency towards self-righteous indignation flares up and could easily lash out at the gentle souls who answer my call (after no less than a 30 minute wait time).

My cause is just. My evidence supports me and yet, I may not allow myself to go down the drama path and ruin someone’s day because of a tech glitch.

What I can do is in a calm yet determined manner state the facts, allow them the time to review my case and see all the supporting evidence, crack some jokes with them and then wait. And wait, and wait.

Breathing through the old pattern of blame and finger-pointing, I stretch my muscles of compassion, tolerance, and love.

This is my lesson. I am currently in limbo as I write this. I think that I may have been placed in the hold cue while the office was still open. I think in the 57 minutes that I have been waiting, they have all gone home for the day and I sit, hopeful, that one person’s sweet voice may appear in my headset before I finish writing.

Your Assignment: What are your hot buttons? What gets you really fired up? Next time that the heat gets turned up, can you sit back, breathe, watch your mind and maybe even crack jokes? What would it take for you to be able to do it? Even when the other party is completely in the wrong, can you relax and take it easy?

What to do when you partner changes?

The only thing that you can guarantee in a relationship is that your partner will change.

What happens when you look at your mate and realize you hardly recognize them? Or as I hear from many clients that their partner has “changed the rules of the game” and feel frustrated because they were not brought in on the decision.

Often one partner will be prompted by a general dissatisfaction to do some inner work, or skip the introspection and get a little wacky. This may bring on changes that make you feel, “I didn’t sign up for this!” However, when we are in a committed relationship, it is just that: a commitment not a convenience.

What then, can we do when our partner changes?

Relax into the certainty that nothing is permanent and:
1. Know that this may be a phase of development, and is necessary for their growth into the person they are to become.
2. Allow that it may be that they are trying on a new way of being to see how it fits. It may feel like the pendulum has swung from one extreme to another in which case, it will likely balance out to a whole new and more grounded mate.
3. Celebrate their growth and discuss it as a team during times of emotional neutrality.
4. Ask them how you can support them. This is a powerful step that shifts one from victim (and feeling like it is being done to you) into pit crew (and observing it is being done near or in collaboration with you).

We need things to constantly be different. The breath I take now is different from the one I had a moment before.

“When we can see the miracle of impermanence…our sadness and suffering will pass.” ~Thich Nhat Hahn

A bird takes flight: it does not remain static. It changes position moment by moment.

Instead of judging our changing partner as “bad” or “inconvenient” what if we framed it in a way that we celebrated their flight, from one place to the next as beautiful and graceful as it is not as we think it should be.

This way of being for our partner is gracious and allows them the dignity of their experience. When we stop controlling or judging their way, then they can more easily soar into who they are meant to be.

Your Assignment: Are you able to support your partner in all that life may bring? Do you provide a safe place from which he or she can fulfill all his/her dreams (no matter how cuckoo)? Are you willing to give them the dignity of their experience in order for them to stretch who they are meant to be?

Give me Dignity or give me a living death!

Recently, someone I don’t know very well but respect cared enough for me to tell me the truth.

She is someone that I earnestly want to spend time with and my actions had shown her otherwise.

The truth stung a bit, I must admit.  I reviewed my memory and wanted very desperately to defend my position. She would have none of it.  In my mind, I had followed all propriety and then I realized:  I had not met her standards. Well, the monkey mind wanted to keep defending my position but I kept asking my highest self why I still felt uncomfortable.

Then it hit me hard: I had allowed my standards to get shabby.  While I had acted within propriety of my old way of being, that way allowed for too much fluff and non-commitment!  Imagine what a blow that was to my ego!  I write about the power of commitment all the time.

It just goes to show you that there is always room for improvement!

So, once I embraced this new gift of perspective and made the decision to up my levels of commitment, I then held two more people to a higher standard.

My new friend did something that is rare: she had the courage to tell me the truth which woke me up and got me back on track with my dignity.  In turn, I was able to tell the truth to two more folks (with love in my heart) and I know at least one of them had a similar positive effect.

I speak about giving others the dignity of their own experience, which includes not meddling in their business.  In this case, she gave me my dignity by speaking the truth and holding me to a higher standard.

Your Assignment: Are you tolerating sloppy or non-committal behavior and just letting it slide by?  Are you also participating in this slippery way of being?  If so, how is it serving you or others?

More Blog Post

• Allowing Discomfort
• Love Celebrity Style
• Fake Giving vs. True Giving
• Are you sure?
• The Problem with “Boundaries”
• How you make conflict worse
• You Can Create World Peace
• What to Do When You Are Ready to Pull Your Hair Out?
• What to do when you partner changes?
• Give me Dignity or give me a living death!