The Courage to Love
I always wanted to be happy. I also always knew that love was amazing and something that I desperately wanted, but it always seemed to be beyond my capabilities.
I had no idea that it takes courage for both.
Why would one need to have courage for something universally sought after? I have found that it takes courage to receive the blessings that come with love and happiness.
Often love is reduced to a business agreement. “You do this for me, and I’ll do this for you.” That is not love. When we keep score, it is based on the 50/50 paradigm of business. Love is 100/100. The first time I heard that, I was shocked. It meant I no longer got to keep score. It was the end of feeling justified in self-righteousness when things “weren’t fair.”
If I am going to show up as a true and loving partner, it means that I contribute my all without looking for gain. Gratefully, I did the work necessary to attract and choose a partner who also takes care of himself and therefore is able to contribute his all.
When my husband. Vj, and I were first falling in love, he had to teach me how to be loved. I was very surprised by this. I had to shift from the position of taker to one who receives. When I relaxed and made sure that my basic needs were met (enough food, water, sleep, and faith) I was in a position to allow him to love me. Before that, I had been in a pattern of self-sufficiency that was based on survival instincts. The old me was warped with control-freakish behavior that was painful to watch and even worse to live.
Slowly, I relinquished the illusion of control. That is the big joke about control freaks: they are trying to control the uncontrollable. As I began to relax, I allowed the love to flow in. The sensation overwhelmed me to the point where I had to seek yogic help to boost my nervous system and learn to deepen my meditation (active receiving).
Falling in love takes guts because it is a leap of faith into the unknown. The thing that I always thought I could safeguard myself against was heartache. Well, if I am participating in love, I get heartache. Whether we mean to or not, when we are intimately intertwined with someone (even friends and family), we can hurt others.
What I do with that hurt now is:
1. I learn from it. What could I have done differently?
2. Did I play a major or minor role? The answer is always “yes.”
3. I talk about it. Is there something that needs to be said? Can I do so compassionately?
4. Forgive myself and others. What message was I meant to get or give?
I am far from perfect. I recently hurt someone’s feelings. It was not intentional, but I was unskillful and someone got hurt. So I did the above checklist in a way that was appropriate for the situation and moved on.
This trust in love (of all shapes and manifestations) is a dance. I still catch myself trying to control that which cannot be controlled. When I do, I get the chime of discomfort that reminds me to take a breath and relax.
Your Assignment:
Is there someone that you hurt (unwittingly or not) that needs your care? Can you apply the above steps in a way that is appropriate and mend a bridge? Are you willing to have courage enough to love yourself and others?
